I Am Overwhelmed . . . . . . . . .with Joy

I don’t know what is going on with me. Am I in some kind of sequestered delirium? Have I been captured by some kind of pathetic sentimentality?

 

All I know is that during these pandemic months I have read more, written more, listened to more music, looked at more art, Face Timed more with my kids and grandson, texted and talked on the phone more with my friends, participated with friends far away in worship and study over Zoom and Google Meets, walked more, meditated more, prayed more, had more romantic, home-cooked meals with my wife, Mary.

 

I have also teared up more out of such a deep feeling of gratitude for all the love and compassion and grace in which I live today, and in which I have walked all of my life.

 

My first thought is that I am just getting old and have crawled into some kind of sentimental pablum. Maybe I am just a pathetic fool too aware of his frailties and failings, now rolling downhill toward greater pain and suffering and eventually, death.  But that doesn’t feel at all accurate.

 

I think it might be just the opposite. I am overwhelmed to still be alive. My dad died when he was 54 and my mom when she was 49. My older brother died when he was 63. My first wife, Pauline, died when she was 31. She wanted so desperately to live longer, and she didn’t get to. I was the one who got to, and, yes, I dealt for some time with survivor’s guilt.

 

But just when I thought I would never know joy again, God thrust me into a new life so filled with wonder and opportunity, I can hardly believe I have actually lived it. It seems like a dream, too good to be true.

 

I don’t even know where to begin in listing all the amazing things I have experienced. Mary, my kids, their spouses and families, my grandson. So many mission-minded congregations filled with wonderful fellow staff members and deeply committed, giving, and loving members. Life-long friends from grade school, high school, college, seminary, and graduate school. Opportunities to travel and teach in Mexico, Central America, and Europe. Working with people dedicated beyond imagination trying to overcome oppression, racism, poverty, violence, war, sexism, depression and the general sense of meaninglessness that is so much a part of our society.

 

Sometimes we have to lose something in order to find it anew. At first, I lamented not being able to do the things I wanted to do, especially being with my family and friends. I guess we have all been forced to the sidelines in many ways. With that has come certain feelings of loss, and rightly so. But in order to lose something you have to first have it. And sometimes in the losing there is a finding. 

 

What I have found is a new level of gratitude, appreciation, and wonderment. What an amazing creation! What wonderful people! What a fulfilling life, filled with forgiveness, grace, love and hope. Sitting here, alone, I feel anything but alone. I feel surrounded by such love and care, such support and concern for my well-being.

 

Sitting at my desk, listening to my favorite music, looking out the window, I see the majestic Organ Mountains, and I feel the presence of all those by whom I am loved, I feel the presence of our majestic and compassionate God:

  

I lift up my eyes to the hills— from where will my help come?

My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.

He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade at your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.

The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time on and forevermore.   [Psalm 121; NRSV]

Thanks, Readers, for Meandering with Me. Now, Are You Ready to Also Write?

View from our Cabin in Minnesota Where I Write in the Summer

Where would a writer be without a reader? Irish philosopher, George Berkeley, in the early 1700’s, posited this question: “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Well, however you would respond to that, it got me to thinking: “If a writer writes, and no one reads it, was anything written?”

 

Working on my blog, Meandering Spirituality, the other day, I noted that there have been over 30,000 clicks since I began writing it in 2012. Most, of course, are from the United States and Canada, but there are also clicks from around the world. 

 

This led me, first, to give thanks for all of you readers, known and unknown. Not just for reading my blog, but for posing questions, making responses and, in the process, inspiring me to keep reading, thinking, meditating, studying, writing. Secondly, I felt thanks for the modern technology that makes this kind of give and take between writer and reader possible at little, or no, expense to either. So today I write with great gratitude for you readers, for technology, and for the people who taught me and encouraged me to use that technology.

 
Last year I published my book When the Northern Lights went Dark: My Journey through Loss and Grief to Healing and Hope (Amazon). That book rattled around in my briefcases for some 30 years because I could not find a publisher, and I could not afford to self-publish, which meant purchasing, in advance, a large number of books before it even went to print.

 

Then along came Amazon, offering self-publishing for free, as long as you are willing to do all the work yourself. Immediately, upon pushing the “publish” button, my book was available digitally through Kindle. Then, if someone wants a paper copy, they order it, pay for it, and Amazon sends the manuscript to a local printer who prints it and mails it to the purchaser. What a gift these technologies are for both writer and reader!

 

I share this, not just out of gratitude for what it has meant for my own writing, but to encourage you, the reader, to write. I will even tell you what to write about: the stories of your life.

I can already hear most of you retorting: “But I don’t have anything to write about!” Oh, yes you do. Has anyone else lived your life? Has anyone else seen the world exactly as you do? Especially if you have grandchildren, start writing these stories and what you have learned and observed about life. Most of those grandchildren are likely too young to be asking, “Grandpa, grandma, what was it like growing up?”  However, one day they will ponder those questions and they will treasure having those stories and observations in written form. And don’t share just your happy stories. Share your struggles also so they know that, whatever they are going through, everyone has challenges from time to time that can seem daunting.

 

This will also be a great gift to your kids, eventually. Right now, they likely assume they know you better than they really do. But one day they, too, will treasure those stories and how they all tie together. For example, I am now writing a book that picks up where my last book left off, focusing on my life with my wife Mary, our kids, and my journey trying to figure out how to do social justice, peacemaking, cross-cultural, multi-racial ministry in the North American church. I sent the first chapter to my writer-daughter, Jessi, and she responded: “Wow, that was really exciting. I knew many of the stories and events, but I had no idea how they all related to each other!”

 

Now, of course, you could photocopy what you write and make copies for your family and friends, but you might decide to share what you write with a wider audience, and modern technology makes that possible. Please write me if you want more information on how to do this.

 

As for my blog, I am grateful to Lindean Barnett Christenson, my partner in ministry at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church in Phoenix. As I headed to our Minnesota cabin in 2007 for a sabbatical focusing on spirituality related to nature (desert, mountain, cloud), she asked me to contribute to the blog she had started. I have since imported those posts into my own blog, which you can find under Nature Spirituality.

 

MLK's Pulpit in Montgomery

It was in the summer of 2012 that I started my blog, Meandering Spirituality. Mary and I were planning a lengthy trip to study the American Civil Rights Movement (and southern BBQ), and so, as we traveled, we visited and I wrote about Martin Luther King Jr., Selma, Little Rock, the Nashville Sin-Ins, the Montgomery Bus Boycott, Memphis. These were my first 16 posts.

 

This was followed by a hiatus as I returned to busy, parish ministry, but, as I began to get ready to retire in 2016, I wrote “Retirement as a Calling” and that catapulted me into 65 posts in the past four years, along with the publishing of my first book.

 

Today I am overwhelmed with gratitude for you readers, the opportunity to focus on writing in retirement, all the people who have responded to my blog posts and book, all of the people who have read portions of what I have written and given me such helpful feedback and encouragement, including the eleven of you who wrote reviews on Amazon.

 

I pray for blessings on you as you continue your own Meandering, Spiritual Journey, and please give some serious thought to writing about that journey, how you see the world and what you have learned and experienced along the way.

Grandson, Dylan, Fire Island, New York