Facing Death: My Wife Pauline's Journal Entries in My Book on Dying and Grieving

In April I published a book on Dying, Loss and Grieving, a project that had been in the works for some 35 years. There are three reasons why I wrote this book (the other two will be shared in my next  blog post). The first is that I possessed first-hand journal entries written by my wife, Pauline, as she was dying.

Journal writing is quite different from keeping a diary. A diary tends to be written fairly objectively, detailing what you did on a given day. A journal is much more subjective and emotional, openly confronting one’s fears, struggles and questioning. A journal therefore gives a kind of “inside look and feel” that by definition is contemporaneous with the experience being written about. You really can’t “go back” and recover those feelings in exactly the same way.

My desire to publish these journal writings of Pauline had been confirmed for me in May of 1983, less than a year after Pauline died. The Lutheran Standard (at that time the official magazine of the American Lutheran Church) had published an article I had written, titled “With All My Heart,” which was built around Pauline’s journal entries as she faced death. Upon publication, I began to receive letters from people across the country who had been moved by what Pauline had written (some of the letters are quoted in my book on pp. 248-249.) One example is this note from a Lutheran pastor in Wisconsin: “It is possible that I have read words as powerful as those in your article ‘With All My Heart’ before, but I don’t remember where they could have come from. It seems impossible that so few words could affect me so deeply. I am not sure what the effect of those words will be on my life, but I know I have glimpsed something special.”

Then my article received a “1983 Award of Merit” from The Associated Church Press, in which the reviewer wrote:

This diary of a dying wife could have been shameless and soggy treacle. But it wasn’t.  Instead, it was a loving memorial from a young Lutheran    pastor to his late wife, and a gift of her courageous faith to the readers of the magazine. The use of moving and inspiring excerpts from the woman’s diary takes the reader into the distraught and hope-filled life of Pauline Erickson. The tears that came to me were the result of awe and joy as much as sorrow. . . . “With All My Heart” is a legacy that will endure and a message from the grave for those of us who struggle with life.

Since the article contained only a small portion of Pauline’s journal entries, I wrote the book to give a much more extensive insight into the journey toward death. However, the numerous publishing houses I contacted told me that they had filled their quota of books on dying and grieving.

However, the advent of self-publishing gave me a way to finally share Pauline’s faith and honest struggle with the world. For that I am deeply grateful, including to the many readers who have already shared with me how meaningful her words have been to them.

Even after all these years, Pauline’s words still speak to me as I try to stand by those who are dying, and as my own life continues that inevitable journey to the final passage that awaits each of us.

Pauline Marie Peterson Erickson 1950-1982

May 22, 1982

I’m alive now. Please help me make the most of it. I do not want to spend what might be my last days bitter, depressed, or sullen. I want to leave Bear with good remembrances of me.

I do not seem to laugh anymore. Is it because I get out of wind, or is the great expert on death and dying having trouble coping? Whatever the reason, I want to leave with a smile on my face.

My theology, please don’t desert me now. It would be much easier to be a radical right-winger—to say this is all God’s will. But I believe that God doesn’t cause suffering and that many times s/he does not interfere. Thus, if I am dying, let God’s tears be enough. It is enough.

God, please make my heart less heavy. Is the burden death, or is it lethargy from illness?

God, I want to be like Eckhart and say, “Your will be done.” But I don’t want to die. I just want to talk to you about my tears.

  

Available at Amazon.com in Paperback or Kindle editions (including Kindle Unlimited.)